Ads aimed at seniors:
Have you made your will yet? Are you suffering from hemorrhoids, sore back, bungy knees, can't sit, fart on command, do 50 pushups, hate your lumpy ass, wanna get fit, worried about someone breaking into your house, and hey, is your basement leaking, pipes frozen, heart making weird noises when you tie your shoelaces, is your closet full of fire ants, do you have bed bugs, is there a rotten tree hanging over your car, was that a wind storm, did your car drive over a homeless skunk where will you bury the body?
Is it time to call ghostbusters, is your house alarmed properly does your garage door open every time you rip a fart or press home on your phone, who did your colonoscopy, wasn't that the doctor who was sued for malpractice, do you need a whole new set of clappers, do your undies cover your entire butt, don't you think it's time to start giving your house, clothes, furniture away you need to move into a smaller space, you don't need a big house, here, try this mini mart, see even your cat fits sideways, you don't need anything bigger.
Have you started doing your spring cleaning, throwing away those old hockey cards, was that a ufo, is there life after death and if so what kind of life, do you want to apply for a one way ticket to Mars who put that box on my front steps, is it time to give up your car keys hey I saw that, you didn't wait in line.
Get off the dance floor, geezers.
Hair. You need hair. Here lemme show you how to hide that bald spot. You know you can't face the world as is, you gotta fake stuff, or you won't get a job. Like okay, those legs will always be short, so why not wear stilts, nobody will notice.
You need glasses. See- you can't drive without getting those eyes tested, here give me those car keys you could maim someone, I don't wanna be responsible for your driving errors. Watch it, no senior should ever back up in a parking lot.
Whaddaya mean you want to sit in the senior seat, we got here first, so get your wizzened butt out, teens need to sit down too dontcha know.
You want to join this hip hop group, lady- aren't you a little old to be bopping around a dance studio, shouldn't you be playing bingo or baking brownies?
Seniors.
Talking about my generation.
Note to advertisers:
Take off, hosers!
